DEALING
WITH THE BULLIES
TAKE
A STAND: Prevention of Bullying and Interpersonal Violence
NEW
Program for Kindergarten - Grade 5, Parents & Teachers
Bullying is something most children
encounter in one form or another. Children struggle with being
called names, being picked upon, being excluded, not knowing how
to make friends, or being the ones acting unkindly or aggressively
toward others. All forms of bullying are abusive and all are opportunities
to teach children how to get along, how to be considerate people,
how to be part of a community or group.
The TAKE A STAND Program is a
revolutionary approach to prevention of bullying. Starting
at the Kindergarten level and progressing through Grade 5, children
learn about bullying, its effects, how to stop it and the importance
of mutual acceptance and respect.
For the first time, schools, churches,
youth groups, after school programs, etc have a tool to teach
all children how to be advocates for creating a community that
will not tolerate bullying behaviors; to teach children who are
bullied how to stand up for themselves; and to teach the bullies
themselves alternate ways of handling their own feelings of not
belonging.
At the same time, teachers, school
administrators and parents learn that it is possible to TAKE A
STAND for having a community that will not tolerate bullying.
For too long, adults have believed that bullying is just part
of growing up, that there have always been kids who are jocks
and kids who are geeks; those who are "in" and those
who are "out." This acceptance has prevented adults
from stopping this pattern.
The TAKE A STAND Program
challenges this acceptance from the earliest possible age, creating
a new standard for interpersonal relationships. Just as
children led the drive to use seatbelts and to reduce smoking,
they are the leaders in setting a new course for how we treat
one another.
The TAKE A STAND Program creates
a school-wide community of interpersonal problem solving and mutual
respect that has been embraced by school administrators, teachers,
parents and children. If you would like this Program to
be a part of your children's education, please share this information
with your school, youth group or Parent Teacher organization.
Dr. Sherryll Kraizer, author
of the TAKE A STAND Program, has a Ph.D. in Education with a specialization
in youth at risk. She
if also the author of the Safe Child Program; the REACH and CHALLENGE
Programs for at-risk youth; the RECOVERY Program for previously
victimized children; and a Prevention of Dating Violence Program.
Dr. Kraizer is internationally recognized for her prevention
programs and creating models for maximizing community-wide participation
in prevention effectiveness.
The TAKE A STAND Program will
be available for delivery in August, 2000 for implementation in
the 2000 school year.
Cost: $195 includes complete set
of teaching guides and training videotape. Additional copies
of the teaching guides are $10 each.
To order, please go to
order form.
BULLYING
BEHAVIORS
Bullying can take many forms: physical, emotional,
verbal or a combination of these. It may involve one child bullying
another, a group of children against a single child or groups
against other groups (gangs). It is not unlike other forms of
victimization and abuse in that it involves:
- an imbalance of power
- differing emotional tones, the victim will be
upset whereas the bully is cool and in control
- blaming the victim for what has happened
- lack of concern on the part of the bully for
the feelings and concerns of the victim
- a lack of compassion
Bullies are very often children who have been bullied
or abused themselves. Sometimes they are children experiencing
life situations they can't cope with, that leave them feeling
helpless and out of control. They may be children with poor social
skills, who do not fit in, who can't meet the expectations of
their family or school. They bully to feel competent, successful,
to control someone else, to get some relief from their own feelings
of powerlessness.
WHO
ARE THE VICTIMS
Not all children are equally likely to be victimized by bullying
behavior. Those children who are more prone to be picked upon
tend to have the following characteristics:
- low self-esteem
- insecure
- lack of social skills,
- don't pick up on social cues
- cry or become emotionally distraught easily,
- unable to defend or stand up for themselves
Some children actually seem to provoke their own victimization.
These children will tease bullies, make themselves a target by
egging the person on, not knowing when to stop and then not being
able to effectively defend themselves when the balance of power
shifts to the bully.
Children who are not bullied tend to have better social skills
and conflict management skills. They are more willing to assert
themselves about differences without being aggressive or confronting.
They suggest compromises and alternate solutions. They tend to
be more aware of people's feelings and are the children who can
be most helpful in resolving disputes and assisting other children
to get help.
IF
YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED
If you learn your child is being bullied, you may immediately
want to protect your child and confront the aggressor. You may
feel embarrassed and want your child to toughen up, to get in
there and fight back. You may feel helpless yourself. None of
these responses are helpful.
Get as much information as you can about what has happened. Avoid
blaming anyone, including the bullying child or children. Look
at your own child's behavior and style of interacting. Ask yourself
what you know about your child and how you can turn the immediate
situation around.
If you are going to get in touch with the parents of a bullying
child, remember that they will probably feel defensive. Keep in
mind that your goal is to have a safe and nurturing environment
for all of the children, not to escalate an already difficult
situation. (For tips on talking to parents of bullies, see
The Safe Child Book. )
For your own children, there are several steps you can take.
- discuss alternatives to responding to bullies.
- don't react, walk away, get help if pursued
- agree with the bully, saying "You're right." and
walking away.
- be assertive.
Role-play - just as in prevention of child abuse,
role-play is what makes the skills real. Actually walk through
situations and have your child practice different responses. Discuss
prevention techniques such as staying with other kids. Do not
get involved with bullies in any kind of interchange. Don't take
it personally, it's really the bullies problems that are causing
the situation, not you.
IF
YOUR CHILD IS THE BULLY
What every parent doesn't want to hear - your child is behaving
like a bully.
Your first response will probably be defensive. Disarm the situation
and buy yourself some time to process what's being said. For example,
"Instead of labeling my child, please tell me what happened."
Make yourself really listen. Remember that this discussion is
ultimately about the well-being of your child, regardless of how
its being framed.
Even if your child is behaving aggressively or acting like a
bully, remember that this behavior is probably coming from your
child's feelings of vulnerability. You need to look for what is
going on in your child's interactions with others and what is
going on internally, causing your child to behave that way. (Also
see REACH and CHALLENGE
Programs.)
In talking with your child, DO NOT BLAME. Do
not get into a discussion about the "whys" of what happened.
Your discussion should focus on several key points:
- Bullying is not acceptable in our family or in society.
- If you are feeling frustrated or angry or aggressive, here
are some things you can do.
- Remember to role-play, act out the new behaviors.
- Ask, how can I help you with this? Who could you go to in
school if you see yourself getting into this type of situation
again?
- Specify concretely the consequences if the aggression or bullying
continue.
- You want to stop the behavior, understand your child's feelings,
then teach and reward more appropriate behavior.
PREVENTING
BULLYING
As soon as children begin to interact with others, we can begin
to teach them not to be bullies and not to be bullied. We can
give them words for their feelings, limit and change their behavior
and teach them better ways to express their feelings and wishes.
Children do not learn to solve these
kinds of problems and get along by themselves. We need to teach
them.
When preschoolers begin to call people names or use unkind words,
intervene immediately and consistently. In kindergarten children
learn the power of exclusion. We begin to hear things like, "She's
not my friend and she can't come to my party." Respond with,
"You don't have to be friends with her today, but it's not
all right to make her feel bad by telling her she can't come to
your party."
In the early elementary grades, cliques and little groups develop
which can be quite exclusionary and cruel. Children need to hear
clearly from us, "It's not all right to treat other people
this way. How do you think she feels being told she can't play
with you? Kids don't have to play with everyone or even like everyone,
but they can't be cruel about excluding others.
Boys who are physically small or weak are more prone to victimization.
Making fun, picking on and other forms of bullying need to be
identified in their earliest stages. The message needs to be crystal
clear: This is not okay. Think about how he must feel. How could
you include him and let other kids know its not all right to treat
others this way?
Children who are not bullies or victims have a powerful role
to play in shaping the behavior of other children. Teach
your children to speak up on behalf of children being bullied.
"Don't treat her that way, it's not nice." "Hitting
is not a good way to solve problems, let's find a teacher and
talk about what happened."
For more examples and role-play situations, or for coaching on
talking to parents or teachers about bullying, please refer to
The Safe Child Book.
Copyright © 1996
-2001 Coalition for Children, Inc., Sherryll
Kraizer, Ph.D. and The
Levi Company
|
